A Trump Christmas

January 18, 2019 Opinion , OPINION/NEWS , United States

IIP photo

 

By

Mark Kodama

 

 

I had a dream that I was invited to the Trump Center in Washington, D.C. for a Christmas gala. This is surprising because I am a Democrat. I had decided to skip the celebration but my wife insisted we attend.

 

“We never go anywhere anymore,” she angrily told me. “What is so bad about the president anyway? He is looking out for America, putting America first. He is making America great again.”

 

I mumbled something under my breath. “Over my dead body,” I said.

 

On the night of the gala, I drove to the parking garage of what was formerly known as the Kennedy Center, now the Trump Center. A huge banner featuring the visage of President Trump was draped over the building. Parking was free, paid for by the Saudi embassy. It had just started to snow.

 

As we entered the glass doors of the Trump Center a wall of border patrol agents greeted us sporting mirrored sunglasses and service revolvers on their hips. They checked our driver’s licenses to make sure we were not from countries south of the border.

 

We ascended up the escalators. There was a brouhaha ahead. The White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders dressed in black uniform and black leather boots had CNN reporter Jim Acosta by the scruff of his neck. A red arm band said “Trump.” “I told you before no disrespectful questions to the president. Your invitation is revoked.”

 

We passed the American Film Institute’s movie theater. It featured the classic “It’s a Wonderful Life” starring Donald Trump.

 

A large gold artificial Christmas tree dominated the hall, towering above the Trump Gift Shop. Dollar bills and photographs of the Trump family members adorned the tree. Kanye West crooned “I’ll be Home for Christmas.”

 

The gift shop displayed Trump books, Trump clothing and Trump memorabilia. On the bookshelf of the gift shop were “The Art of the Deal” by Donald Trump, “The Greatest President in History” by Donald Trump and “Trump Was my Friend” by Sean Hannity. David Duke had his book “Charlottesville: the High Water Mark of the Trump Presidency.” And Conservative Comedian Ann Coulter had her book “Why I Think I am Funny.”

 

There were life-size posters of President Trump, Trump neckties and a sled that said “Rosebud.” There was a picture of Donald Trump stealing third base during his playing days for the Oakland A’s. “I’m the greatest ever,” the caption read. There was a rolled up magazine that Stormy Daniels allegedly used to spank the president selling for $10,000. My wife purchased a red cap saying “Make America Great Again.” I bought a pack of Trump chewing gum.

 

I checked my dark blue overcoat with the hat check girls. Thousands of guests waited outside the Melania Trump Opera Theater. A large bronze bust of President Trump graced the hall. Dozens of servers dressed in white ruffled shirts and black tuxedos carried gold plated trays of delicacies; canapés, Russian caviar and chocolate covered rum balls.

 

Former administration officials sat at a large round white clothed dinner table together. Former EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt conferred with Carl Icahn under a cone of silence. Ex -Director of the National Economic Council Gary Cohn asked Rob Porter whether he still had the memo he took from the president’s desk. Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh was throwing down mugs of beer.

 

“What a moron,” said Former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson.

 

“He has the understanding of a fifth or sixth grader,” said former Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis.

 

“I still can’t believe I was fired,” said ex-Attorney General Jeff Sessions.

 

The President of Russia Vladimir Putin gave the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia Mohammad Bin Salman a high five and chest bump. Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer were huddled in the corner conferring. “I wonder if we could get Donald Trump to put his tongue on a freezing metal pole,” Sen. Schumer said.

 

Donald Trump, dressed as Santa Clause, sat at the head table eating McDonald’s cheese burgers and drinking diet cokes. He was talking on his cell phone. “Felix, did I mention the $50 million penthouse of Trump Tower of Moscow would have a golden shower in the master bathroom?”

 

Finally, Donald Trump rose to the podium. “I am the greatest president ever,” he began. His aid Stephen Miller wildly clapped. “There is no collusion. The Russian investigation is a witch hunt and hoax. No one has been tougher on Russia than me. There is no pee tape. Michael Cohen is a rat. And where are Hillary’s e-mails?”

 

German Chancellor Angela Merkel said “I need another rum ball.”

 

A rock band called The Deplorables was singing a cover for Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Sweet Home Alabama.” “And Watergate does not bother me,” the singer sang. “Does your conscious bother you? Tell the truth.”

 

In front of the stage, the Trump family scions and Jared Kushner held wicker baskets, collecting cheks. Ivanka’s basket said “Inauguration Committee,”, Jared’s said “Kushner Family Real Estate Business,” Don, Jr.’s said “Trump Organization,” Eric’s said “Trump Foundation,” Tiffany’s said “Georgetown Law School” and Baron’s said “Boy Scouts.”

 

At midnight, the lights of the magnificent chandeliers began to flick on and off. It was time to go. But when I went to the hat check office, the workers were leaving. Thousands of overcoats were piled on the red carpet. Guests frantically searched for their coats. “Where are you going?” I angrily said.

 

“Sorry,” said one of the hat girls. “Government is shutting down.”

 

 

 

 

Mark Kodama

Mark Kodama is a trial attorney and former newspaper reporter. He is currently working on Las Vegas Tales, a work of philosophy, sugar coated in meters and rhymes and told though stories. He lives in the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area with his wife and two sons.

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