Poetry

AFP photo

By

Charlie Brice

Bathroom Bill

The south has risen again

to this new low. The latest etiolation

from a chronically fusty population.

Bathroom Bill, in North Carolina, says,

“If ya all is transgendered, ya caint

use a potty sept ta one

you was born to.” Ole’ Bathroom Bill,

ten gallon dome, six gun and spurs,

a chap with chaps, will be a guardin’

them latrines, yessir! Bill and his posse,

Gabby, the Genital Inspector,

Pete, Chief of the Pudenda Police,

and Cassidy, commandin’ the Commode

Cops and all their sub-genital inspectors

on privy patrol will insure

only pure born birthers use bathrooms

in North Carolina.

Bathroom Bill is just a sweatin’

bullets over how that thar inspectin’

is gonna go. He paces, kicks the dirt,

and askes his horse if they is gonna

have to make people to show

their buckskins, their saddlebags—

if ya catch his meanin’. Shucks,

he ain’t never done nothing like

this before. Nosir! This here

is one of them search and seizures

that could cause a seizure.

Then whart? Are they gonna

have to pack tongue blades

along with their Colt 45s?

Gawl darnit!

Caint all them North Carolina

lawyers and congressmen

go to the bathroom

by them lonesome selves

and leave Bathroom Bill

to his pony, his jerky,

and his designer potty?

Wiretap Tweets—The Definitions

Terrible: n. A salutation. Syn.: dear, my dear, hi, hello.

Just: n. & v. A statement of absolute truth. Ex: Just found out that Obama had my “wires tapped.”

Found Out: tr.v. To receive an incontrovertible revelation of indisputable fact from a minor entertainment personage on Fox News.

Wire: n. A force aimed at crushing narcissism.

Tap also Tapp: n. A euphemism for the shattered fantasies of a tyrant.

Lawyer: n. Someone who will teach everyone a lesson.

Sacred: adj. A term used to depict something as being religious when one is wholly ignorant of religion or spirituality. Ex: sacred toothpicks, sacred cornflakes, “sacred election process”

“Wiretap”: tr.v. To watch, surveil, or look at. Ex: “Wiretap” that girl, Billy, and pass me a Tic Tac.

Bad: adj. A dyspeptic global emotion experienced upon waking in the early hours and relieved only through tweeting before breakfast or by experiencing a huge, laxative induced, bowel movement.

Sick Guy: n. Any member of the entire world that disagrees with the tyrant.

Sad: adj. 1. Whatever inhibits grandiosity. 2. n. The present state of affairs in the United States of America.

Charlie Brice

I am a retired psychoanalyst living in Pittsburgh. My full length poetry collection, Flashcuts Out of Chaos, is published by WordTech Editions (2016). My poetry has been nominated for a Pushcart Prize and has appeared in The Kentucky Review, The Atlanta Review, Hawaii Review, Chiron Review, The Dunes Review, Fifth Wednesday Journal, Sports Literate, Avalon Literary Journal, Icon, The Paterson Literary Review, The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Spitball, Barbaric Yawp, VerseWrights, The Writing Disorder, and elsewhere.