Epistle To The Boys: Domestic Violence

August 16, 2018 Opinion , OPINION/NEWS

WB photo

By

John Chizoba Vincent

One of the things I promised myself that I would teach my boys when I have them is how to keep away from domestic violence. I will teach them that women are not punching bags. I will teach them how to build their own home, play the fatherly role, the husband role and also teach them how to strike a balance between them and their wives and children, not patterning their morals into the illusion of the so called African myth of man being the head of the family and thereby having the right or enmity over women. I will teach them the right culture, our African culture. I will teach them how to respect women and their dignity, not excluding their pride. For, in the pride of a woman is the woman herself.

Domestic violence and abuse do not discriminate. They do not look at faces or something else, abuse happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels, not minding the language differences or tribes. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused, boys especially – verbally and emotionally by women who they are in a relationship with. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable by society or the world in general, whether it’s coming from a man, woman, teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, joyful and safe in the hands of a person you love so much. Boys, be vigilant and careful with whom you choose to marry or plan to spend the rest of your life with. Don’t marry out of pity or try to please someone who you think you have plagiarized her emotions.

Let’s pretend that nothing is happening on this side of the world. Let’s close our eyes to this madness and tell our souls that love does not exist anymore. What we obtain from this side of the world is against every human aspect when it comes to marriage. What is love to you? What is marriage to you? Sometimes these things are what you are supposed to ask yourself before you tell a girl how much you love her or before you put that ring on her finger. These days the major news is filled with stories of husbands beating their wives or wives beating their husbands, the stories going on and on until your ears begin to ache. We have husbands who killed their wives because of one argument or another and wives who killed their husbands on issues they could settle amicably without killing one another. This story pans from one angle to the other boys, and anchoring from the twisted heart of our world, the turn of events become breathless and blurring in the street of the mind.

Sometimes I get lost listening or trying to prove myself wrong that this kind of thing happens in our own world. I understand the fact that marriage is not easy and takes patience to carry on and those who venture into this so called marriage come from different backgrounds of which they were all trained differently; to tell yourself that this will work out or won’t is entirely in your hands. You only know the colour of the background you want to paint in your relationship. It takes time to understand yourself and to know where you stand in the life of your partner. So, as a boy, try to balance things and keep away from domestic violence. It is better you let go of her or him than killing her. It is better you walk out of the relationship or marriage instead of killing her; just walk away from it. It will do you no harm. Marriage is not a do or die affair. No love should keep you in a woman’s house who intentionally abuses you.

When people think of domestic abuse they often focus on domestic violence. But domestic abuse occurs whenever one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person, yes, that controlling spirit brings about this. Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you, your emotions, feelings, freedom and power. An abuser doesn’t “play fair” or “Safe”. Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, anger, pain, and intimidation to put you down and keep you under their thumb so they can control everything about you like a television set. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you if care is not taken. So, be careful when making those promises of “I Love You.”

Dear boys, keep away from violence against women and against yourself. If any woman makes you angry, walk away to somewhere reasonable, somewhere you can get yourself out from the twisted heartache. I think it will do you good not to fall victim to those things that will harm you in later life. Women are braver in talking and their familiar words may stand to provoke your day, your life being miserable listening to them. Boys, your ability to interpose your very act of eloquence as well as witty, weird truths makes you who you are. We just have to accept it as a natural phenomenon, that’s why we’re called “The Men.” Once we accept this dilemma and be ready to face it, it makes us more dependable and valorous in the eyes of the world.

Boys, I will continue to write to you in epistles to ease out these independent pains that clothe around the body till the end comes when we’ll meet in paradise after life’s troubles are over.