Nigeria: A Satire

Clara Sanchiz/RNW photo

By

John Chizoba Vincent

Yes! The masses said I should tell you that you are one in a million. They said you should go to London and the USA as much as you like. Go there, sleep in the hospital as long as you want and so they are ready to be obedient to your orders; they will reach out to you whenever you need them. Some of them are ready to kill themselves on the road for you for the sake of this country. Your Excellency, this is what life has taught us: to be men of goodwill, ready to defend our country home, ready to go the extra mile to save our father’s land. His Excellency, we are so happy to be here.

Our people over here are asking of our precious son, Kalu, that man from Umuahia, the one that turned a rebellion against your wonderful government. What should I tell them? Should I tell them he is in Aso Rock eating Ngwobi and Pepper soup? Should I tell them that you have made him king in the north? I think his people don’t want him because he is rhetorically scaring them away from being Nigerians. His Excellency, what should I tell them now that every eye is looking at the aquatic life centred on the rock?

My good man, Mr President, my pen also needs brown envelopes to keep calm. My pen needs to drink some red wine and this corruption you want to stop will also affect it. They said I should tell you how wonderful that python dance was in their land. How “ruler-sheep” that forced you to send pythons to dance in their compound when they misbehaved; the dance has made things easier and we no longer hear many voices nor see many white shadows in the despairing ground and walls of the Igbos. The Ohaneze and IPOB are now good morning friends. They no longer betray each other in this game of politics. His Excellency is working very hard and every mouth is testifying to this. Every footprint is now printed in golden corral committed in the street of heaven. Your Excellency, we saw that the Chibok girls returned yesterday and the streets of Nigerians went into commotions of joy. Yes, they need to rejoice because their future wives and daughters have returned.

We have seceded to keep our mothers and wives in the other room as you instructed your wife. Your Excellency sir, the masses said I should tell you to send their regards to Her Excellency. The CHANGE you brought to us is so strong that we all have no dirty clothes again. Through this medium we will pocket our tears back home to be seen by all that think of goodness. His Excellency, thank you for the youth empowerment you brought. Thank you so much for reviving our economy. Yes! – our economy has become so strong that cattle and all other animals became millionaires in our land; our people say that if only you could be kind to rule us for another four years then all the animals in the forest could compete with Dangote and Adenuga as the richest man in Africa.

Your Excellency! Your Excellency!! Your Excellency sir, all the companies you built are chasing us out to foreign lands. The factories are too much that we all think of going to foreign lands so we could see a land that is not flowing with milk and honey. We are now competing with all these westerners with their companies. We will be telling our children in years to come how you restructured this country to a paradise on earth. It is not funny how many citizens have killed themselves because they were excited. Some masses have run mad out of joy. Your Excellency, we are so grateful because we have someone like you as the President.

Let me hurry over there to ask the market women about the precious ten thousand Naira I heard the federal government is sharing among them. I want to see how happy they are. I saw them crowded in the market yesterday without even thinking about suffocating. They forgot about heat and pickpockets in their midst. Oh! what a great country we have, the giant of Africa indeed.

John Chizoba Vincent

John Chizoba Vincent is a cinematographer, filmmaker, music video director, poet and a writer. A graduate of mass communication, he believes in life and the substances that life is made of. He has three books published to his credit which includes Hard Times, Good Mama, Letter from Home. For boys of tomorrow is his first offering to poetry. He lives in Lagos.