The Midnight Call

pixabay photo

By

Gbemre Daniel Tega

I woke up in the middle of the night with this feeling in my gut, it’s not the first time, and I doubt it will be the last. A feeling that I have become accustomed to, a feeling that puts me into a state of blind proclivity, a feeling that sets me on a path towards unrequited actions.

I thought to myself what the consequence of these actions would be if I gave in to the urges of this feeling, and how much of an impact it would have on me. I had recently decided to turn a new leaf and relieve myself of habits deemed self destructive and highly addictive. I lay on my bed taking a glimpse out of the window into the bubbling night life in the distance, wondering about the temptations it holds as it illuminated shades of orange and purple light into the dark room, temptations that bring out these habits that I have been trying to rid myself of, part of me telling me to get up, urged on by thoughts of things that would bring me both shame and also satisfaction. The other part of me kept reflecting on how much progress I had made in becoming this new person, and how giving in could jeopardize it, pushing me back to where I started.

I kept thinking of my many fallbacks that morphed themselves into mistakes and regrets and how I giving in could be one of them.

I kept thinking about how many times in the past I decided to rid myself of these habits and failed, with each failure, a feeling of falling deeper into an abyss I have been fighting constantly to get out of. Or maybe I’ll just give up and let myself drown and in turn accept me for who I have become.

The more I thought about it, the more I wanted it, but deep down I knew I shouldn’t; I knew I needed a win.

I knew I needed to say no just this once, this was when it mattered, not when I find myself in those recurring states of self directed anger and disgust after its climax that I rain empty promises of self absolution that get easily broken at this exact moment. This was when it mattered, this was when I need to say No and stick by it, a first time for everything, they say. It felt like a faint voice in the background competing against a much louder one. A much louder voice which has found an outlet through the onslaught of thoughts rushing through my head, thoughts I indulge in under the basis that I would not put them to action, but when does it ever work like that.

Regardless, it wasn’t hard to hear the faint voice, it never has been, but what was hard was my ability to hold on and follow through on it. Sometimes I found it quite captivating, my want to stop for so long constantly giving myself reasons why, not that they were very hard to come by but nevertheless found myself doing them, just because I have this irresistible urge to, an urge that seems almost like an insatiable hunger best attributed to a wild beast.

Am I really not that in control of my own self? The thought bothers me, but I doubt it’d be enough to stop me from putting to action a decision I have already subconsciously made.

I take a hold of my phone not far away from me, unlocking it with a vertical pattern down the middle, straight to the end, sliding to the right and then all the way up. I check my inbox and see a message from my mom asking how I have been and to call her when I get the chance to. I dismiss it without much thought and check the time. It’s 2:15am. I can’t help but think how ironically perfect the timing is, it seemed like an alarm embedded in my head out of habit. Slowly disregarding my earlier thoughts of inner conflict like a pebble sinking deeper into a lake, I slowly get up from bed, sitting on the edge, hoping for a burst of willpower to make me lie back down, but there’s nothing.

I walk into the bathroom, straight to the sink, looking emptily into the mirror, as I absentmindedly let the tap water overflow in my palms. I quickly splash the water on my dull, oily face and clean it off, revealing a slightly laid back but more agile appearance. I make my way to the wooden dresser just adjacent to my bed, put on a black hoodie with navy blue jeans and a pair of slippers, ready to go into the night.

About to continue a cycle I have wanted for so long to end but never does.

Gbemre Daniel Tega

My name is Gbemre Daniel Tega. I was born on the 2nd of November 1997 in Delta state, Nigeria. I am a fresh graduate of business administration with a management major from Presbyterian University college, Ghana and my interests include reading and writing, music, fitness and travelling.