The south has risen again
to this new low. The latest etiolation
from a chronically fusty population.
Bathroom Bill, in North Carolina, says,
“If ya all is transgendered, ya caint
use a potty sept ta one
you was born to.” Ole’ Bathroom Bill,
ten gallon dome, six gun and spurs,
a chap with chaps, will be a guardin’
them latrines, yessir! Bill and his posse,
Gabby, the Genital Inspector,
Pete, Chief of the Pudenda Police,
and Cassidy, commandin’ the Commode
Cops and all their sub-genital inspectors
on privy patrol will insure
only pure born birthers use bathrooms
in North Carolina.
Bathroom Bill is just a sweatin’
bullets over how that thar inspectin’
is gonna go. He paces, kicks the dirt,
and askes his horse if they is gonna
have to make people to show
their buckskins, their saddlebags—
if ya catch his meanin’. Shucks,
he ain’t never done nothing like
this before. Nosir! This here
is one of them search and seizures
that could cause a seizure.
Then whart? Are they gonna
have to pack tongue blades
along with their Colt 45s?
Caint all them North Carolina
lawyers and congressmen
go to the bathroom
by them lonesome selves
and leave Bathroom Bill
to his pony, his jerky,
and his designer potty?
Wiretap Tweets—The Definitions
Terrible: n. A salutation. Syn.: dear, my dear, hi, hello.
Just: n. & v. A statement of absolute truth. Ex: Just found out that Obama had my “wires tapped.”
Found Out: tr.v. To receive an incontrovertible revelation of indisputable fact from a minor entertainment personage on Fox News.
Wire: n. A force aimed at crushing narcissism.
Tap also Tapp: n. A euphemism for the shattered fantasies of a tyrant.
Lawyer: n. Someone who will teach everyone a lesson.
Sacred: adj. A term used to depict something as being religious when one is wholly ignorant of religion or spirituality. Ex: sacred toothpicks, sacred cornflakes, “sacred election process”
“Wiretap”: tr.v. To watch, surveil, or look at. Ex: “Wiretap” that girl, Billy, and pass me a Tic Tac.
Bad: adj. A dyspeptic global emotion experienced upon waking in the early hours and relieved only through tweeting before breakfast or by experiencing a huge, laxative induced, bowel movement.
Sick Guy: n. Any member of the entire world that disagrees with the tyrant.
Sad: adj. 1. Whatever inhibits grandiosity. 2. n. The present state of affairs in the United States of America.