Alessandro Garofalo/Reuters
By
Ahmed Tharwat
Now it is real folks, it is written, the Donald will be our next and 45th President. The joke is now on us however, and he is the only one laughing.
I wonder what Khizr Khan would say about this, lesson learned; you don’t have to read the constitution to be a president. Have you read our Political History Sir? Muslims are usually politically homeless, stranded between two political systems who ignore them or take them for granted. This candidate from one of the two major parties wanted Muslims to work as informants and report their friends and families.
Donald Trump has alienated and scared lots of people and groups through his two year campaign. Mexicans, Women, Blacks, Gays, no one was more scared than Muslims. I understand that Islamophobia has been with us way before Trump got into the political circus, but he made it mainstream, fashionable and even patriotic. I understand that the banning of Muslims statement was taking off Trump’s official website, but it is very hard to take it from the mainstream conversation, attacks on Muslims spiking on a daily basis, and it will only get worst once Donald gropes/grabs the White House in January.
Muslims, as well as millions of Americans, are still in disbelief and in awe of the political shock, and as a British newspaper called it, ‘the Trump revolution’. It hasn’t sunk in for a lot of Muslims who voted heavily for the lesser evil scenario. Lots of Muslims are confused and don’t know what to do, should they move to Canada, or stay and fight for change.
Let us all calm down and regroup, here is a President Trump survival kit that Muslims can follow. This is by no means legally bound, or a replacement to your usual common sense or caution.
Let us start with things a Muslim can do immediately, besides the obvious changing names, getting rid of beards, Jilbab and hijabs, this won’t cut it, Muslims need to do more, be vigilant. Definitely stay away as much as you can from places where the majority of Trump’s supporters go, places like Walmart, Applebee restaurants, or race cars, and if you are at a football game, don’t follow Colin Kaepernick’s political protest against, please stand for the national anthem, Colin is big and rich, he can defend himself.
When traveling, no Arabic books, Arabic conversation, or music. Please don’t ever ask for Halal meals on flights, especially the international ones, eat pork if you have to or ask for a Kosha meal. Islamophobia is worth more than anti-Semitism nowadays.
As for praying at the mosque, no more than once a week, the FBI is watching even before Trump would like to. Use this new invisible Pocket Praying Mat, it comes handy in small tights, I just used it it last week on a golf course under a tree. Don’t do the praying wash (Wudu) at public bathrooms, “Tayamyam” dry wash as the prophet had.
Hide all Islamic signs and symbols from your car, for some reason they entice road rage. If a police officer stops your car and asks if you were drinking, don’t say “I’m a Muslim and I don’t drink crabs”, just say yes officer just hand me the ticket. DWI is less of an offense than DWM, Driving While Muslim.
Walk in groups and don’t stay out after midnight, Islamophobes are like Cicadas; they come out after dark. When people at work try to engage you in a political conversation, just stay with news of the weather, it is much safer.
Stop going to ethnic places like restaurants, malls, try Amazon.com, they don’t really care who you are as long as you buy things, and it is nice now to see a drone delivering a book to a Muslim house rather than a bomb. And if you find yourself in a middle eastern store, and you overhear someone ordering “Hamas” not Hummus, it is definitely not a good sign, leave the premises immediately.
When strangers are nice to you on the phone, it is either a telemarketer or a FBI agent. However don’t be scared when Jehovah Witnesses come knocking on your door, invite them in, they may carry a Bible, but most likely, don’t carry a gun.
Pay your bills, rent, car payments on time, not paying your bills being a sign that you aren’t doing well, this may get the FBI attention. Don’t walk in your neighbourhood alone or without a dog.
On social media, don’t post lots of religious or personal things, god doesn’t have time for social media. Don’t accept friend requests from names like Billy, Cliff or Casey. Only travel to states that have legalized Marijuana, and steer away from the ones that have just legalized racism and Islamophobia.
And one last thing, keep your eye on those right wing Islamophobe friends, although the white liberal Islamophobes friends are the scariest.
God bless, and stay safe my friend for the next four years!
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