Politicos naija and monkey business

GCIS photo

By

Prince Charles Dickson

A family in Nigeria was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the U.S.A sent by their sister. The tiny corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that their mother’s face was practically touching the glass cover.

When they opened the coffin, they found a letter from their sister pinned to their mother’s chest, which read: ‘Dearest Brothers and Sisters, I am sending you our mother’s remains for burial there in Lagos. Sorry I could not come along, as the expenses were so high.’

‘You will find inside the coffin, under Mama’s body 12 cans of Libby’s corned-beef and 12 cans of Luncheon Meat. Just divide it among yourselves. On Mama’s feet is a brand new pair of Reeboks (size 8) for junior. There are four pairs of same type for Tunde’s sons.’

‘Mama is wearing six Ralph Lauren T-shirts; one is for Omo, Roy and the rest are for my nephews. Mama is also wearing a dozen wonder bras (Funke, your favourite), this should be distributed among my nieces and female cousins. Mama is also wearing six-docker pants-Ikeja keep one and the rest are for the boys. Bawo the Swiss watch you asked for is one Mama’s left wrist. The Omega on her right wrist is for Papa.’

‘Mama is also wearing the jewellery Aunty Ronke asked for-Roland Cartier earrings, ring and necklace. Also, the six pairs of channel stockings that Mama is wearing should be divided among Aunty Mabel, Bubemi and Papa’s younger sisters; I hope they like the colour. Mama is also putting on a head phone by her side is a Sony disc player for Kene and inside is the 50cents CD Yemi’s son asked for. The disc player is for Uncle Thomas; I hope he likes it.’

Your loving Sister Nene.

For a nation which boast of more shrewdness than the Italian Mafia, this shrewdness has only been demonstrated through our fantastic display of the absurd.  A political terrain that blatantly parades brain boxes in the art of crookedness, the Nigerian politician today has turned Nigeria into a nation where its citizens fight from womb to tomb.

In my nation the greatest asset for political adventure as it is, is failure, just fail and you are on your way to a big time pie in the national cake. That is the reason, while Nigerians are still basking in the euphoria of a snake swallowing N36 million in Benue JAMB office, it has been alleged that monkeys have taken N70 million belonging to the Northern Senators Caucus. The caucus had sacked Sen. Abdullahi Adamu as its chairman following allegations of misappropriating N70m belonging to the group. Briefing newsmen after Plenary, Senator Shehu Sani said that since the money could not be accounted for, maybe this time monkeys have made away with the money.

“There are some things some of my colleagues will not say but I’m not used to holding back. When we assumed office, Senator Ahmed Lawan tendered the sum of N70 million to the 8th Senate. That N70 million was money gathered from the 7th Senate. It was handed over to northern senators of 8th Senate. The rumours going round, which I don’t know whether it’s true but I believe other senators know, is the fact that there were allegations that some monkeys raided the farm house of some of the executives of the northern senators forum and carted away some of this money.

Our politicians are swift in looting the national treasury and then start to jaw-jaw over non-issues while important matters are left on the burning pot unattended to. Politicians who promise they would eradicate mosquitoes when they knew all they needed to do was tackle malaria, do you blame them after landslides, oceanslides and airslides victories. The first rule in the commandments of the politician in Nigeria is learning how to lie truthfully. Thank God we don’t do the polygraph (lie test) in Nigeria and for politicians.

The average commercial sex worker would covertly envy the Nigerian politician who will in a life time belong to at least four major political parties and as many minor ones.

Finally it hurts to see a nation so touted to be the heaven of all manner of potentials suffer in the hands of a (s)elect few who refer to themselves as politicians and leaders. The issue is that we are beginning to get to a stage where our problems have become over flogged to the point the problem is now us.

I know of a State that has 23 Ministries, another one has a Commissioner of Information, Director of Press, Deputy Director of Press, Personal Assistant on Public Relations, Senior Special Assistant on Media and then a Media Consultant; all political jobbers, involved in one monkey business or the other.

I am not an unrepentant pessimist or see no-good critic, politics is dirty but then there is principle, and integrity. In Nigeria we have suitcase-carrying politicians. No plan, no focus except a strong objective to loot. That is why a man born in Lagos, grew up in Lagos, works in Lagos, is elected into office and the next thing; he embarks on a familiarization tour of his very own backyard.

Naija is a nation where the players in the power game are a three-course meal of deceitful, lying and magical people because the more you look the less you see, they serve you deceit as appetizer, lies as main course and magic as dessert, when it is not rats at play, snakes are hissing or the monkeys are no longer content with bananas, for how long—Only time will tell.

Prince Charles Dickson

Currently Prince Charles, is based out of Jos, Plateau State, and conducts field research and investigations in the Middle Belt Region of Nigeria with an extensive reach out to the entire North and other parts. Prince Charles worked on projects for UN Women, Search for Common Ground, and International Crisis Group, among others. He is an alumnus of the University of Jos and the prestigious Humanitarian Academy at Harvard and Knight Center For Journalism, University of Texas at Austin. A doctoral candidate of Georgetown University

Born in Lagos State (South West Nigeria), Prince Charles is proud of his Nigerian roots. He is a Henry Luce Fellow, Ford Foundation grantee and is proficient in English, French, Yoruba Ibo and Hausa. Married with two boys, and a few dogs and birds.