The Non-Biodegradable Apple

October 6, 2016 OPINION/NEWS

Richard Sandler



Hazel Speed


An exercise in Marketing: Two Sales Executives compare their strategies and results, see which you think works the best.


The two top executives of H & H Creations Limited (Sales and Marketing Department) enjoyed their usual post-campaign repartee over a drink.


D‘ as usual, was the first to commence ………..

Bet your sales figures are low – this City is a tough nut to crack.


G‘ in his inimitable style retorted………….

There you go again, trying to lead your prey into a trap, commence with a presupposition of pessimism, self-deprecation, throw in a demoralising premise and see if it fits the circumstances – you’ll never learn !


D was quick to respond……

You can’t tell me this particular campaign was any more successful than the rest – win a few, lose a few, you know the routine by now as well as I do.


G decided to utilise some psychology…..

Just for a change, why don’t you tell me how you’ve got on?

Woah…….defence by attack, I see the strategy.  Alright, I’ll meet your bluff. You offer the unattainable utopia that is representative of the democracy formed by an amalgamation of subjective within the realm of objective.


G uttered an immediate retort – but my dear fellow, you of all people know how I work even though you reject my modus operandi – and besides what is objectivity other than collective subjectivityThrough logistics or a host of other precluding reasons, predetermines the limitations of socialist applications, but strangely enough, not many other forms.


D‘s only response was simplistic in form…..

You have such a way with words, but that presupposes your audience is enlightened to appreciate the silver tongue you are utilising for your own ultimate aims.  At least I grant you this much, it seems to achieve the democracy of participation in such debates (and I have tried) – one has to be within the swivel door ethic of the opportunities that come with fame in one area to be considered as having a view or voice in another!


Oh, interjected G, you allude to nepotism – family in high places……’tis true, that stone could be hurled at me by someone like yourself, remind me, didn’t you ‘branch off’ from a place of advantage yourself?


D          You like to cast that up don’t you – but it hasn’t held me back – starting up on my own, a type of skeleton group outside of the main arena so to speak, yet at the same time deluding any prospective punter that I am offering an end-product that is competitive to the ‘official’ version one could say.


G          It is as well then, that not only my subject, but my approach to life is subsumed under the impingement of philosophy, which is, like virtue I grant you, it’s own ‘other world’ reward and has its own seal of approval.


D          Philosophy, who are you kidding – you operate on a type of blackmail insurance facility i.e. you don’t have to buy my product you know, entirely up to you, no coercion, but when you see my endorsed merchandise is the only one that is formally ‘approved’ then it will be too late, you can’t buy it then, and you’ll be stuck forever – no chance of getting back into the ‘social group’ then you know, not even if you say please or beg, however, you are a free entity, with your own mind etc etc etc – God, I can just hear you nowtautology or what?


So you see, your selling methods are just as ‘iffy’ as mine – OK I cater to the greed, and frailties of the consumer but you imply you are coming from a moral high ground yet try and scare the punter half to death with sinister non-retractable threats and ultimatums. Oh yes, that’s most ethical.


         Well that ploy certainly didn’t work on you did it, no, it just didn’t have any effect, you saw right through my cunning little ways. More impeccably, then, you just say, ‘hey guy, buy this, it’ll help you brag, be one up on the neighbour, you will be envied by all your friends, it will make you look affluent, put you way up their on that ladder of success – who knows, it may even lead to better things.


D          Well I know which approach sounds better to me.


G          It is ironic, I’ll grant you, that we both have a sort of cult following despite having the same target consumer market and bearing in mind the end-product we are selling undermines the one being exploited by the other.


D          Funny old world isn’t it when you put it like that. Makes you wonder about the point of it all – I mean, hardly worth the candle is it?


G          I still light a candle for you at Church you know.


D          Yeah, and I think of you when someone tells me they believe in free will – feel free to do what you want, pay later, etc.


G          Ok, so there is no such thing as a free lunch – hey buddy, life has never been fair.


D          Imagine, you and I starting off as great buddies yet we are so competitive now with our sales and marketing campaigns.


G          You had to go freelance didn’t you, what is it parents are always advising, let the kids leave the nest when they want to then they’ll come back later – what a thought!


D          You should be so lucky – built a nice little kingdom of my own now you know – have influence all over the world and at last, I can make things happen, know how to manipulate the best in people….


G          Don’t you mean the worst?


D          All depends on one’s perspective I guess ……. don’t you agree?


G          You’d make a good politician.


D          Bought and sold thousands of those in my time – they can be useful to my overall strategy in life’s adventure.


G          I have some friends in those areas too you know……


D          OK, but don’t forget some of your church-going friends live my kind of life from Monday to Saturday too…..


G          Don’t I know itmore honourable to just sign up with you from the beginning. However, remember those that left your department as they felt uncomfortable in the atmosphere you project – not everyone likes working under a demoralising pressure you know – i.e. do it to them before they do it to you.


D          Just adapted the old ‘Do Unto Others’ philosophy with the addendum, before they do it to you.


G          I can’t wait to be around when someone ‘does it unto you’ remember I am a bit psychic about such things after all.


D          Never known why you didn’t put that to good use and pick the winner of a horse race, or six numbers for the lottery.


G          Too easy, no challenge, and hey, what do I need with money. You know me, I can operate perfectly well enough without materialism – I even went out of my way one month to prove it for a scientific study, remember, you set it all up for me, said I couldn’t survive without certain creature comforts so I had to prove you wrong. You still don’t have the measure of the man do you? Some sales and marketing campaigner you are if you don’t know the worth of your adversary.


D          So which one of us do you think will achieve the best sales figures this month – bearing in mind I am a student of human nature, frailties and know how to capitalise and manipulate the figures, anticipating all sales techniques and potential earnings in all mediums and currencies?  I do not adhere to any concept of conscience, indeed I have no concept of it, that is superimposed on circumstances by others with their own agenda of motives, in an effort to influence situations through its efficacy, impinging its burden on others.


G          Whereas from my perspective, contrarily, conscience rules my life, but I concede it is a burdensome feature at times and makes me feel as if I am carrying the weight of the world around with me. One might say, and definitely I know you would think, that remark merely begs the question ‘is such a state of affairs not sinful in itself ‘However, as I keep telling you I’ll win the overall battle, you know that, so why you bother is beyond me, OK so you may be the victor of an odd campaign here or there but like local election candidates, your days will be limited – remember, ‘now is not always’…….


D         After all, if someone’s house is in danger of being burned down do we not have a responsibility to warn them of their impending fate. Depends, if you are the insurance adjuster or the victim! Fire is a combustion of incipient elements – only a creation of elements can make a cohesive efficacy. Why don’t you take onboard some theological expressions such as foreknowledge is not predestination, though inaction knowing an event is going to take place is acquiescence at the very least, and a crime against social laws in some countries – don’t they call that The Good Samaritan Law?  It certainly would go down well in a court of law – oh sorry Judge, I knew it was going to happen, but hey, it had nothing to do with me, I didn’t realise I could shout or intervene. Wouldn’t you love to see and hear the reaction to that one.


         Like the story of that sweet old Scottish lady who said to one of your reps when he chided her about believing in Jonah being swallowed by the whale – listen dearie, if The Bible said Jonah swallowed THE WHALE, then I’d believe it!


D          Sounds like a great candidate to join your sales and marketing team, wouldn’t need any convincing from you……


         Funny you should say that, I didn’t have to go canvassing her, she found out where I was and got in touch. One of my best customers, networks much more efficiently than television ads and magazine campaigns, and, unlike your contacts, I don’t have to bribe her.


D          Hope she won’t be disappointed when she visits the manufacturer and has a tour of the place. Some people’s expectations are never realised – best to deal in facts, the here and now, what you see is what you get.


G          Nobody is disappointed with him but he is definitely disappointed with you – you had such potential. Don’t think he has given up on you yet though. You may want your old job back – if he’ll have you, but dear me, there will be considerable need for adjustments and improvements first, I mean, look at the way you dress – bit garish isn’t it?


D          What do you mean, scarlet red suits me – I personally think you look anaemic with your white shirts all the time, and cufflinks depicting angels, I ask you, a little trite that isn’t it, talk about wearing virtue on your sleeve – new age philosophy I take it?


They glanced at a bowl of fruit on the coffee table in front of them……


D          God, have you seen these apples – they’re foreign, not English at all. How despicable, we’re in the centre of London, Merry old England, within easy access of the county of Kent, Garden of England, the home of prestigious apples, and the only ones we are being offered are foreign.  No one has scruples any more …… Why don’t politicians do something to support local produce, it’s more than a crying shame, it’s a sin……..


G          Come on you old Devil, no need to feign disapproval, after all, it was an apple that got us into this job in the first place, albeit one that has never proven, so far at least, to be biodegradable as far as the sales figures for the enterprises of Heaven and Hell limited are concerned!











Hazel Speed

Photo (c) Hazel Speed – used by kind permision to Tuck Magazine

Hazel Speed is a Philosopher, Writer, and Artist with various creative projects at differing states of development. Her flaship project is an animation which has produced a film short:

Art sites:


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